Why does ‘sorry’ seem to be the hardest word?
Dear all,
The recent Post Office scandal has thrown up a multitude of questions, and an inquiry will hopefully lead to a better understanding of how things could go so badly wrong on such an immense scale.
One of the most interesting aspects of the whole situation is the inability of key people to apologise in a manner that is both genuine and meaningful to the victims of the scandal. More broadly, is it actually getting harder for people to apologise? My instinct says ‘yes’ but there does not seem to be any conclusive evidence to substantiate this feeling.
As parents and educators, we are very keen to instil in children the importance of cause and consequence, and that any wrongdoing should result in an apology and lessons being learned. Apologies can be an important way to mend interpersonal relationships, but it is also normal to have complicated feelings about them. Some of us were forced to apologise as children when we hurt someone, and some of us apologised freely and felt immediately better after doing so. Some people feel shamed by apologising, while others feel ashamed until they have done so.
While a popular movie from decades ago declared that “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” never apologising in any relationship (in school or otherwise) is a pretty cast iron way to risk losing it.
We may have originally learned about apologising when we hurt a friend, accidentally or otherwise. There are several important reasons why apologising is necessary when social rules have been violated. When you’ve broken a rule of social conduct – from jumping a queue to breaking a law – an apology re-establishes that you know what the “rules” are and agree that they should be upheld. This makes others feel safe knowing you agree that hurtful behaviour isn’t acceptable.
Apologies can facilitate letting the injured party know that you are aware it was your fault, not theirs, which can help to make them feel better, and it may also help them save face. By getting people talking again, an apology makes them feel comfortable with each other again. It may also help to convey the value that you place on the relationship.
Importantly, a genuinely sincere apology allows you to let people know that you’re not proud of what you did, and that you won’t be repeating the behaviour. This lets people know you’re the type of person who is generally careful not to hurt others and focuses on your better virtues, rather than on your worst mistakes.
So after all that, why is apologising so difficult for so many people? It can be a challenge for a variety of reasons, and how people interpret the need for an apology can play a significant role. For some adults and children, an apology often feels like an admission that they are inadequate – that, rather than having made a mistake, there is something inherently wrong with them.
Others believe that offering the first apology after an argument is an admission of guilt and responsibility for the entirety of a conflict that involved wrongs on the part of both parties; they think an apology from them will allow the other person to take no responsibility for their own part in the conflict. Additionally, an apology may seem to call attention to a mistake which may have gone unnoticed.
However, in the right circumstances a well-delivered, appropriately sincere apology will generally avoid all of these issues, and will merely serve to usher in a resolution, reaffirm shared values and restore positive feelings.
Whether you are a young person learning life’s unwritten protocols or a senior public figure, you just have to know when and how to deliver your apology. As the American author and lecturer, Margaret Lee Runbeck, remarked,
An apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.
Jason Whiskerd
